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February 25, 2008
The Best Communicators are the Best Listeners
I learned years ago in traditional management consulting at Price Waterhouse, that you solve problems by listening.
This is so true in communications. I know the most impressive communicators are great listeners, aggregators of information, makers of relevance, and of course, entertaining when they do communicate. The more challenged someone is in communications the more the root cause may be poor listening skills. These people do not listen because:
they "know" what they are going to hear
they seek confirmation, not information
what's being said gets in the way of what needs be said
In effect, they have already made their conclusions and have run to a solution that may not be helpful. Communication professionals need to be constantly aware of their own biases and perceptions (control your biases and validate your assumptions). These days in a time of speed and overwhelming communication clutter, we need to slow down and listen to attain the nuance and real issues faced by customers, colleagues and others. Before you just react (ready, shoot, aim), think about the following to help you listen better:
put yourself in the other person's shoes
keep the conversation on what the speaker says, not on what interests you
spend more time listening than talking
pay attention, never become preoccupied with your own thoughts when others talk, take brief notes to concentrate on what is being said
do not finish the sentence of others
ask questions, but do not answer questions with questions
plan responses after the other person has finished speaking, not while they are speaking
summarize - walk the person through your analysis
The result is you will be better communicators. In fact, the applications are endless. Being a better listener can improve customer service, new product and service development, media relations, social responsibility efforts, etc. Do you have any examples to share?
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This page contains a single entry from the blog posted on February 25, 2008 4:33 PM.
The previous post in this blog was Criteria for Engaging Communications.
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Comments (1)
Kafkaz
I want to tie my response to this list of rules into your last blog entry about what makes communication most engaging.
I know a few people who work very, very hard to put the kind of rules that you detail above into action every single time they engage in any sort of communication. And you know what? It's possible to work *too* hard at it. Nobody wants to be listened to because listening is the correct thing to do. People want to feel as though they are listened to because what they have to say is valuable. They want to not only feel this, but really to believe, with every inch of themselves, that what they have to say is valuable to you because *they* are valuable to you. That's really the key, and it can't be faked. If you like people, and you value them, it's okay to break some of the rules, now and then. In fact, it's refreshing.
And it's engaging. In some settings--particularly those in which most present have been thoroughly schooled in the ways of theoretical listening as per the rules above--you can practically hear the collective intake of breath when someone hops in to finish another speaker's sentence, or some such. Gasp! A rule broken. But just picture, for a moment, the handful of people that you think best with, and have the warmest exchanges with. Oh, how lovely it is when those terrific folks hop in to supply the word that was dancing just out of range of your awareness, or are so enthusiastic about where your thought is headed that they just can't resist chiming in.
If we're too paralyzed by politeness, everything becomes as stiff and formal as the worst sort of stuffy dinner party, and who needs that? Give me the one who will jubilantly stomp all over the ends of my emerging sentences over the listening automaton any day.
I once had a colleague take me to task for not including a "please" and "thank you" in my voice mail message. He always says please and thank you, and always follows the listening rules. You can practically hear him ticking them off. Ah, but it's too stiff. Too planned and plotted. Too correct. His ever so polite voice mail message communicates nothing of his warmth, and that's a shame.
How about just exuding gratitude and invitation, but skipping the reflexive etiquette? How about eating with the wrong fork, but being a splendid companion, and lighting up the room with your obvious pleasure at being there? How about helping me out with that word I'm stuck on, even if it means breaking a rule? How about dispensing with your note pad, and listening with your whole body? Nodding, smiling, raising a brow, leaning forward, frowning? How about just being yourself?
Guidelines are good. They remind us not to develop bad habits. But we have to be very careful not to let devotion to the rules itself become a bad habit.
My shoes are full. I walk in them all darned day, day after day. I want to know what the world looks like from inside your shoes.
I said what I said. Don't always parrot it back at me. Go ahead and respond. If something about that response suggests to me that I was unclear, then that can become a further point of conversation, as we work our way toward clarity and common ground together. Don't think following a rule will be a shortcut to that happy place.
Flummoxed by something I've asked? Go ahead, layer another question on it. Push me a little. I can take it. People who value me push me.
I'm getting to be too comfy with my little theme of the moment? Lead me elsewhere if that will do the conversation good. You're there because I want you to bring your vision, your expertise, and your interests to bear. If you let the rules squelch your most genuine responses, we all lose.
Yes, be a good listener. Revisit the rules every now and then, if only to remind yourself to value quietness and receptivity in yourself and others. But do understand that listening is both a skill and an art. Guidelines can help us hone the skill, but an artful listener knows when to ditch the guidelines, and that is often the most confident, creative, generous, and engaging thing to do.
An artful listener--one who is rule informed but never rule bound--might just (one never knows what the particular moment will call for) fold the checklist into a paper airplane and send it sailing at your head. Sometimes, that's precisely what's wanted. Applied sparingly, it's a hugely engaging move.
Posted by Kafkaz | February 29, 2008 4:58 AM